Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
