Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
