Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
