You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Randomize
