I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Randomize
