i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
