I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
And my parents said I crawled through the house
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize
