Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
