Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
