Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
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