Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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