if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize