It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
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