I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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