apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
yeah, we don't understand. the wings losing for guys is like girls finding objects in their body..just weird and sad
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
