Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
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