i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
