I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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