So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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