His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Randomize
