He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Randomize
