i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
