I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
