fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
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