If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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