nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
