Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
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