So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
