Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
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