Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
zippers are such a cool invention
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize