theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
