My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
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