You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
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