Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
