i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize