You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
organizing the empties. That sober.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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