I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
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