I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
