he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize