I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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