She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
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