hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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