you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
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