You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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