life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
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