Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
