I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Hey man sorry I got all grabby
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Randomize
