Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Randomize
