why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
