Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Randomize
