Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
