i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
