I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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