i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
