I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
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