Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Randomize
