I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
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