well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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